Musings from the Margins

Posts to this blog, also published in This Week @ Emmanuel, are written by our student intern from Lesley University’s masters program in Expressive Arts Therapy. This year, we are pleased to welcome intern Mary Schwabenland.

“Musings from the Margins” was founded in 2013, when The Rev. Susan Ackley was Sabbatical Priest and Artist in Residence with us. Over the years since then our Expressive Therapy Interns have faithfully and creatively recorded their thoughts about their experiences during the academic year at Emmanuel.

Talent Show

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Two weeks ago, I wrote about my “silliness” skill and my ability to make others feel comfortable being goofballs. Then I spoke to a friend of mine who also has this skill.  From her perspective, the skill isn’t just about making others feel comfortable being playful, but also about making others feel more comfortable about their insecurities. She explained that when we heighten and exaggerate our own insecurities, bringing them to a “ten,” the insecurities become a lot less intimidating and a lot more ridiculous, evoking more laughter and less anxiety. For example, I tend to be a perfectionist, a behavior rooted in my insecurity of not being good enough. When I notice I’m feeling perfectionistic, I exaggerate the statement—“If I don’t have straight A’s, I’m not trying hard enough” becomes “I MUST score an ‘A’ on EVERY assignment or else I don’t deserve to be in school at all!” This statement is accompanied by a deep, scratchy, commanding voice and dramatic, clutching hand gestures. With this insecurity externalized and heightened, I’m able to see what parts of it are ridiculous and illogical; I can see how these perfectionistic thoughts, which are so natural and constant in my mind, don’t actually serve me. It was empowering for me to recognize that my “silliness” skill has broader implications than I thought. It’s not only about helping others feel comfortable being playful; it’s also about helping others feel comfortable and safe enough to confront their insecurities, hopefully to then view them with a fresh and less anxious perspective.

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LOL

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Well, it’s official: I have one “Laugh Out Loud” (my current code word for “drama therapy”) session under my belt, and I don’t think I’m speaking out of line to say it turned out pretty well. Part of me thinks it’s silly to feel accomplished after playing some theater games in a church basement with a few volunteers, but I also understand that it’s more than that—just because I enjoy playing games and feel natural being silly doesn’t mean it’s not an accomplishment to help others do the same. Beyond that, I was genuinely impressed with the volunteers’ creativity and willingness to “buy into” the games.

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Boundary Setting

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Given the stigma of mental illness, discussing therapy in public has often been considered to be “inappropriate.” Many people are still ashamed or uncomfortable to admit they go to therapy or struggle with mental illness. For this reason, I try to normalize therapy, mental illness, and treatment by talking of such things in my everyday conversations. With that in mind, last week my therapist pointed out to me that I focus more on my perceived failings rather than my successes, as if my having made a mistake or something in general having gone wrong immediately overrides any strides I’ve made. We’d been discussing setting healthy boundaries, something I sometimes struggle with. After an initial boundary-setting success, a different boundary line was crossed, and I suddenly felt incapable and incompetent—how could I be so foolish to think I’d accomplished something? Yet, as my supervisors and therapist pointed out, just because there are “setbacks” or times when healthy boundaries must be reestablished, my success is still a success; the foundation I laid for my boundary-setting skills is still there.

Finding my groove?

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Boston Warm Collage

Collaborative collage created by BostonWarm participants to commemorate the program’s five-year anniversary

It was tough for me to figure out what to write about for this week. It’s not that nothing happened, that’s for sure—there’s always plenty going on at BostonWarm and common art—rather, there was no singular topic or moment I could think to focus on. I was starting to ask fewer questions of my (incredibly patient) supervisors and starting to learn better how to initiate things on my own. Was it possible that I was starting to find my “groove” here at my internship?
Of course, now I realize that I did indeed have a noteworthy moment at BostonWarm—I led my first art project!

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Mistakes

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There’s a lemon in life that I’ve been trying to turn into lemonade for quite some time now: mistakes. Logically I understand that mistakes are a part of life and a key element to learning. Some of the world’s greatest inventions, from potato chips to penicillin, were discovered or created accidentally. If I were talking to a friend or a student, I would encourage them to try different things, make mistakes, and learn something new—but me make a mistake in my internship? Surely this would be the end of me, my career over before it started.

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A Suspiciously Good Day

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My initial description after my first day at common art was that I’d had a “suspiciously” good day. That is, I had such an interesting and fun time, it seemed a bit too good to be true for my first day at an internship. Wasn’t I supposed to be filling papers or organizing supplies? Instead I was instantly immersed in a community of interesting individuals, all of which with a unique perspective and many of which eager to share their art with me. Time flew by as I connected with members of the clergy, staff, and community; admittedly, I had a difficult time pulling myself out of any one conversation. I returned to Emmanuel Church three more times, once for common art and twice for BostonWarm and I’m happy to report my suspicions have disappeared; I am thankful to be at an internship that is both “too good” and true.

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Introducing Amanda Ludeking

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This year, Emmanuel is pleased to welcome Amanda Ludeking. Here’s what she has to say by way of introduction.

My first experience with theater and the arts was in the fifth grade, when a theater company came to my school to help us put on a play about recycling. I don’t remember the show’s title or even my role, but I plainly remember the excitement that came with rehearsing, the friendly cooperation when painting the set, and the exhilaration of performing alongside my friends. Nearly twenty years later, upon realizing that all of the aspects I loved so much about such performances could be utilized as a form of therapy, I was nothing short of thrilled: here was a concrete way in which my animated demeanor and flair for the dramatics could actually help others. I decided to pursue my M.A. in mental health counseling (more specifically, drama therapy—a form of art therapy) at Lesley University, a program which gave me the opportunity to intern with the BostonWarm and common art programs at Emmanuel Church.

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