In my conversations with people this week, an issue keeps coming up again and again: what is the best way to balance tactfulness and empathy?  At first, this may sound like a strange question.  Tactfulness and empathy may be like comparing apples and oranges to some and then considered essentially intertwined by others. However, in all of my conversations, individuals expressed concern that their desire to be tactful would somehow be at the expense of empathy.

I believe that the desire to be tactful and the desire to be empathetic come from the same place: human propensity for sensitivity. In fact, “sensitivity” is a synonym for both empathy and tactfulness.  Sometimes these two forms of sensitivity are aligned and other times they are at odds, and when they are at odds, it can be difficult to choose the best course of action.  In my opinion, an empathetic choice can always be approached tactfully, but a tactful choice cannot always be approached empathetically.

For example, one conversation I had with my peers this week was about grief.  People were debating whether it would be more tactful to ask someone about their experience or not.  In my opinion, the focus of the conversation was misplaced. We should have focused instead on what would be the most helpful to the individual experiencing grief. Sometimes the only way to know is to ask.  It can be easy to get caught up in the semantics of what is tactful and/or what is empathetic; and it feels like a false choice must be made between the two. We can make the choice to employ both in our actions and act in a way that is sensitive — that is, both empathetic and tactful.

–Briana Heller