Let me explain. At BostonWarm a community member who is a person of color came up to me and asked if I would help organize a project for Black History Month. I was honored that she considered me as being someone who could help with this project, and I eagerly agreed. She went on to say that maybe there was something I’d actually be able to get done and that maybe I’d follow through on my word, rather than other “white liberals”, who often didn’t live up to their promises. As I reflect on this conversation, this is where I started to feel uncomfortable. I was so happy to hear her say this, so happy to be considered a “good” ally. Of course, one of the most important things about being good ally is that it’s not about me or my happiness or my “good, white-person, credit.” I followed up her statement by asking her to please let me know if I ever did anything she considered to be like the “white liberals” she had mentioned. She didn’t have a strong response to this question, but a short time later I noticed that I was feeling uncomfortable with what I’d asked. I turned to her and apologized, saying “It’s not your job to teach me how to be a good ally.” Then we moved on with the conversation. This question, asking about being a better ally, was the “mistake” I was concerned about last week.
Awkward Conversations
Last week I’d thought I’d made a mistake. I admitted to it in the first draft of this musing, in class, to my supervisor. I was really trying to own up to my perceived wrongdoing and showcase my newfound fondness for “learning through mistakes.” The thing is, the more people I spoke to, the more I realized that maybe it wasn’t a mistake after all; maybe it was a difficult conversation that felt like a mistake to me because of the tension and awkwardness I felt inside.
This is where the awkward and difficult conversation comes in. I think, in general, it is important for allies to educate ourselves and not to leave it up to marginalized folks to teach us about their culture, the repercussions of oppression, or how to be a better ally. That said, so many of us with privilege live in a box, and everything we see is colored through this privileged lens; there’s so much that we don’t know we don’t know. If we are ignorant of our ignorance, how can we learn? There is plenty of work to do on our own; we can find the answers to plenty of questions ourselves. There may be ways, however, in which I’m unwittingly being a “bad ally”. The only way I’m going to be able to gain awareness on these issues and change my behavior is if someone points them out to me. As uncomfortable as it is, I think it’s important, especially for privileged folks, to lean into these awkward conversations. We also must acknowledge that, as uncomfortable or tense as these conversations may feel on our end, they are uncomfortable, tense, exhausting, and so much more for those who do the explaining. May these tough conversations become part of a journey to real change.
-Amanda Ludeking