When I left BostonWarm today, I had the familiar feeling of shame because I “didn’t do enough.” I feel this way a lot, leaving class, leaving work, leaving internship—I consistently feel like I didn’t do enough.

Today, however, when I felt this “didn’t do enough” feeling, something was a little different: I noticed it. I consciously noticed that my brain was doing the “not enough” thing again. This noticing gave me the opportunity to observe the thought with curiosity. In the past, the thought would have popped into my mind and suddenly become fact: “You didn’t do enough today, Amanda. You should work harder. You are lazy.” Today, however, I noticed the thought before taking it in as fact. Then I questioned it: was it even true? And, even if it was true, does that make “lazy” a defining quality of mine?

This idea of “noticing” is something I’ve been learning about in my studies at Lesley, and I think it’s essential to the healing process. Upon “noticing,” I further questioned the idea of “not doing enough.” Is anyone capable of doing as much as they possibly can every day? From there I realized where the idea of “not doing enough” comes from: my inner perfectionist. As I’ve mentioned in past musings, I’m trying to challenge my inner perfectionist; so, in response to the inner perfectionist telling me I’m “not enough,” I thought, “Oh, you again?” rather than believing that “not enough” narrative to be true. My inner perfectionist was no longer an omnipresent voice of truth, but a part of me that popped into my inner narrative. This “Oh, you again?” response helps me remember that this voice is only a part of me; it is not the inherent truth of myself or the world. A shame spiral was avoided by the simple act of noticing.

I’m not saying this an “excuse” to slack off or shirk one’s responsibilities, but I am saying that sometimes just being there, being present, and engaging is enough. I think some days it is okay not to overextend oneself. In fact, I think it’s essential not to burn oneself trying to be perfect, so that energy can be saved for the days in which you do indeed need to bring everything.

-Amanda Ludeking